


I must be good for something

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast-centric, Gen, Introspection, Past Character Death, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 08:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18616564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Caleb knows in his heart of hearts that he is a terrible person, one who hardly deserves to live for all the things he's done. But the Mighty Nein are good people (Molly was good people) and no matter what he feels about himself, Caleb knows that they care about him much more than he had ever expected, and there's no way in hell that he's going to let them die like he let Molly die.He must be good for something.





	I must be good for something

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this from watching this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP-FlO26ep4  
> I really enjoyed it so if you want to have some 'backstory' for this fic I really recommend you go and watch it. It's not really an important part of the fic, but it may make some sense. Let me know what you thought x

Caleb knew without a doubt that he was a miserable person and that anyone who knew him was worse off for it. There was something grotesque and ugly writhing beneath his skin, tugging and pulling and trying to break free despite his efforts to keep it at bay.

Selfish was a perfect word to describe him- he cared only of himself and keeping himself alive first and foremost. If that meant helping the others and making sure they survive in the process, then that must just be a coincidence.

Despite knowing his soul was filled with nothing but disgusting gunk that stuck and spread, he brought gifts for the group and made sure they were involved in any decisions that he wanted to make. Reluctantly, he thought of them and knew that if he brought them none of the spoils and didn't provide them with any new information, then they would turn on him faster than he could pull out his supplies. The cool feeling of the falchion against his neck and Fjords curt, stern words at the High Richters estate in Zadash, as well as Molly pushing him up against the wall and purring threats into his ears in the sewers under the city, was a stark memory in his mind. And Caleb never forgot.

Nott, as she was in relation to so many things, was the exception. Nott had been by his side from the very beginning of Caleb's life and she, for some strange reason that Caleb couldn't even begin to understand, had stayed by his side through it all. Stayed when she realized that he was no better off than she was in this world, stayed when they met the group later known as the Mighty Nein, stayed even when Caleb bore his heart and soul to a little goblin and a monk in the tiny room that he and Nott had rented just so Caleb could get his greedy fingers on the restricted books in the heavily guarded area of the Colbolt Reserve.

But even that relationship was starting to morph and splinter into something unrecognizable to Caleb. Because it was no longer Nott and Caleb and the rest of the Nein, now it was Caleb-Bren and Nott-Veth and her husband Yeza and the rest of the Nein, and it was a development that Caleb wasn't sure how he felt about. Sure, he was _so_ happy that Nott had found her husband alive and safe, of course he was, but deep down he knew that now she was gone, forbidden to him.

Now Nott was (almost) completely happy with her husband at her side and Caleb was tossed to the sidelines like he so often was. Forgotten. Unwanted.

He knew it would always be a possibility- that Nott, his only friend and one of his only companions would move on from him and find someone new to enjoy the company of. He just hadn't expected it to happen so quickly.

Trent had always told him what would happen. He was toxic and spread his disgusting, putrid gunk wherever he went. He broke everything he touched. He ruined everyone he spoke to. He cursed the very ground he walked on. Everyone he had ever cared about was destined to abandon him sooner or later.

But what Ikithon hadn't foreseen was the strange group of people - _friends?_ \- that Caleb would accidentally run into. Two cool-toned tieflings, a tuskless half-orc, a monk with more fury in her than Ikithon's fists, a goblin/halfling woman who drank and stole to be happy, a pink-haired firbolg, an angelic woman who ran on rage and a tiny, orange cat.

And somehow... with these people, Caleb had found himself wanting to be a better person if only to bring joy to the Mighty Nein. And really, somewhere in his cold dead heart, he must admit that he is still capable of experiencing- _feeling_ \- joy himself, or something similar to it because every day spent with the Nein make him feel some sort of way.

Jester made him feel warm and fuzzy and not at all anything he was used to, especially when she smiled wide and bright with her eyes crinkled and her pointed canines glinting without a hint of malice- just a wide, genuine smile. _"Can I keep your kitty, Caleb?"_ She would ask or giggle _"Caleb, why do you always frown so much? My Mama said that people who frown will be nothing but one big wrinkle one day."_ And Caleb, for however much he hates himself, can't seem to even think about it when Jester giggled like that until Caleb had no choice but to join in.

Fjord was stern and not always the kindest person to Caleb, but when Caleb needed him most, Fjord was always there to defend him in battle or to lift him up off the bloodied floor. While Caleb was expecting, anticipating really, hostility towards him the moment he joined the Nein and was not surprised that it came from a man like Fjord but Caleb was constantly startled by the toothy smile Fjord would shoot him when he was patting him on the back after a fight, _"Up you come, fella. You did well out there,"_ or the amount of trust Fjord would put in him that Caleb knew he didn't deserve, _"I trust your judgement on this one, Caleb. We follow your lead."_ Caleb wasn't sure why, but it filled him with a newfound sense of pride every time.

Beau had her gruffness and her words like knives and her curdled lip that at times made Caleb feel uneasy, but despite their many differences, Beau was always there to catch an arrow before it embedded itself in his chest or pushed him out of the way before a claw raked itself down his body or stood in front him to defend him from any and all hostile attackers and every time she would turn to him with a rare smile tugging at her lip. _"Stay on task, Widogast,"_ she'd tease. _"Hands up, eyes straight. We're gonna need your help to get out of this."_

Caduceus was new to their little adventuring group and Caleb wasn't quite sure what he thought of the overly-perceptive firbolg, he couldn't deny that Caduceus was good in a pinch and useful in more ways than one and always ready with a pat on the back and kind words and a gentle smile. _"That's a very good idea, Mr Caleb,"_ he would praise and Caleb would blush, or _"None of this is your fault, talking to people is hard after all. How about you come with me and I'll make you a nice cup of tea?"_

Yasha was the most physically intimidating person Caleb had ever met, with her greatsword and her hard words and the roar of rage ringing in her ears during battle. But while she could very easily grind his bones into dust, Yasha had always been kind to Caleb, even tentatively handing him a bouquet of handpicked flowers with a gentle, _"You looked sad, I thought you might like them,"_ or when she pushed him out of the way of a sword or a spear or an arrow with a worried about of, _"Caleb look out!"_ and Caleb had never been able to figure out what he had done to earn her trust.

Nott had always been kind to Caleb, even in the tiny Podunk prison cell on the outskirts of a nameless town, Nott smiled at him with too many teeth and her beady yellow eyes in the darkness and she had been by his side ever since. _"I think we should all listen to Caleb because he's the leader,"_ she would boldly proclaim to the Nein, or promise _"It's ok Caleb, I forgive you, I'll always be your friend."_ when he didn't really deserve it.

Molly had always been a somewhat unwanted light to Caleb's all-consuming darkness, one Caleb didn't even know he'd needed until he'd met Molly. His kind words were sometimes juxtaposed by his sharp ones, the ones that felt like a slap in the face or a twist of a knife to your heart. _"Mr Caleb, I think it would do you well to pull your head out of your ass and get it in the game,"_ he would hiss, snapping Caleb out of whatever hellscape his mind was stuck in, or the honey sweet, _"Don't worry Caleb, we all make mistakes sometimes"_ and he would have that smile on his face that Caleb missed so dearly and his heart on his sleeve as vibrantly as his tattoos and everything he said was meant to help not to hurt and yet sometimes his words cut deep and-

Caleb wasn't there to save him when Molly needed him most. He wasn't good enough to save any of them, and now Molly was dead and buried alone somewhere on the Glory Road Run and everyone blamed themselves, but Caleb knew who was really to blame. He should have been better. Should have acted faster. Should have made sense of what he was seeing before it happened. He should have been _better_.

But now Caleb was better. More adventures under his belt, more components in his pouch, more spells on the tip of his tongue. _Better_.

So now as Caleb sat there, crouched on the dirty ground slick with blood, pain raking through his body in waves, he watched as another member of his party fell to the ground, joining him in the blood. Only a few were left standing and miraculously, Caleb was panting hard and awake while Yasha, _Yasha_ , was not.

Another blast of bone-aching energy and Fjord reeled back with a shout and landed on the floor, eyes rolling to the back of his head. Only a few were left, but those few were broken, bleeding and bruised and in so much pain they could hardly see straight, but something coiled tight in Caleb's tummy.

"No," he murmured to nobody in particular and Beau looked at him strangely for a moment before she was forced to dodge another attack. "No, I refuse."

Standing on shaking feet, Caleb heaved a great gulp of air and let it out through his teeth in a whistle. As tired as he was, Caleb felt the familiar flicker of flames licking at his fingertips and he glared out at the darkness. Beau fell and did not get up again. "No, I must be good for _something_ , I must be good for..."

With a roar of rage Caleb was shocked to muster, he pulled his hands apart and flames eviscerated the darkness, and he breathed heavily through his teeth. He thought of Molly and his parents and all the people he had left down for not being good enough and swore on the lives they had lost that he would not let it happen to his family, to the Mighty Nein.

He would be good for something.


End file.
